Subtitled...
WARNING: Parental Advisory!
This article contains subject matter not appropriate for young children... or my mother. (If you ARE one of the above, click here instead.)
Listen to Bud Light's Real Men of Genius "Mr. Push-up Bra Inventor":
For those interested in reading on...
Just keep this in mind: if people like actress Tea Leoni and sports reporter Sharron Davies can joke about it (see below), then so can I.
Enjoy!
Aggressive Nipple Syndrome (ANS)
Some girls got 'em...
Some girls don't...
I must say, I've got 'em, but I don't necessarily want 'em.
Now, I guess Jim (or men in general) may have a completely different take on this... but sorry guys, this one's for the girls.
The point is:
What I've affectionately termed ANS for "Aggressive Nipple Syndrome" is something that I believe a number of women are dealing with, begrudgingly, on a day-to-day basis. Including me.
So, my aim here is twofold...
...to poke fun at myself and my overly-attentive "friends"
...and to offer some workarounds for others who, like me, don't feel all that comfortable with their "sweater buns".
"Ooooh, She's So Perky!"
What's a girl supposed to do... when she's constantly being referred to as "perky" for a reason that has nothing at all to do with her bubbly personality?
You see, what should remain a private matter between a girl and "her two best friends" inadvertently becomes a public matter -- for all the world to see -- every time "they" come to attention and start poking around!
It is at that very instant that everyone ELSE's attention (naturally) goes away from your eyes & whatever it is you've got to say... and drifts downward to your nips & whatever it is The Pointer Sisters happen to be "saying" at the moment.
Don't get me wrong... I realize that a lot of girls PAY for this effect. But not me. Personally, I would rather find ways to downplay the effects of ANS.
Girls, are you with me here?
...Anyone???
What Brings The Hush Puppies To Attention
Trust me, it's not a sexual thing. Nor is it necessarily even a cold thing. Sometimes, it's just... a thing. A fact of life.
Believe it or not, I know someone who used to enjoy Friends on TV a lot but refused to watch because she couldn't stand to look at Jennifer Aniston's "bra buddies" all the time.
I just wish people understood that it's often beyond a girl's control.
How To Downplay Prominent Nipples
Who knew that at my "mature" age, I'd be looking for ways to stuff my bra?! Seriously...
What makes this even weirder, is the fact that I'm not particularly large-breasted -- nor do I want to be. Also, I don't wear many tight clothes. But still, "these things" insist on leaving their mark, regardless of what I'm wearing.
Here are the solutions I've considered to date:
-- I've considered using some strategically placed tissues (...but opted out due to "the bulkiness factor").
-- I thought about trying nursing pads (there are very thin, light ones on the market these days), but figured that was just too silly.
-- Unfortunately, I'm really not into the padded bras
-- I've even thought about wearing those fake silicone-like breast forms. Did you know they come with their own nipple?! I'm guessing that their fake ones might be less intrusive than my own au natural ones.
As it turns out, the following solutions have helped a number of women who have ANS:
- Camisoles - I'm not crazy about adding an extra layer of clothing
- Body Tape - I've heard of this being used in Hollywood and in beauty pageants, but I didn't realize there was something like this available on the market.
- Pasties - These Breast Petal Pasties are disposable and stick on.
Here are some more great tips from BraFree -- a group of women who choose to go braless. They offer some interesting ways to deal with prominent nipples.
Famous People With Famous Headlights
At least I'm not the only one to find humor in the whole Aggressive Nipple Syndrome thing... Check out these other "famous" women's ANS stories:
Tea Leoni -- claims that "hers" have since been humbled by their new job: motherhood!
Sharron Davies -- got so much attention at the 2004 Olympics that the BBC ordered cameramen not to drift below her shoulders.
Related Funny Stuff About ANS
- Why Do Mannequins Have Nipples?
- Prominent Nipples: The New Fashion Statement In Tennis
- PHOTO: Stiff Nipples Air Conditioning Service
- Heated Bra Aims To Save The World (here's the video!)
- AUDIO: Chevy Chase from Christmas Vacation ("...it's a bit nipply out!")
- An Actual Commercial For Some "Cool" Mints
- Every Name Under The Sun For Breasts
- AUDIO: Phil Hartman from Saturday Night Live ("...or are you just wearing an anatomically correct bra?")
- Slippery Nipple Recipe
- BOOK: Why Do Men Have Nipples?
- AUDIO: Mike Myers from Austin Powers ("...is it cold in here?")
- AUDIO: Seinfeld ("...I think I see a nipple!")
UPDATE:
Too funny... Nabisco has a new ad campaign with the tagline "When you love Nips, it shows!"
...I LOVE it!
And, of course, my favorite hard candies are... NIPS!
MAJOR UPDATE 3/17/08: I just saw a commercial on TV for Bali Bras with petals placed in the right spot behind the bra's cup "for the woman who wants to be discreet... all the time."
They're called Bali Concealers Bras and they have "Concealing Smoothing Petals" inside the cups to provide complete modesty. Love 'em!
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Just thought I'd give my 2c dissenting pov.
As I get older (I'm now in my mid-40s) I find that I really miss the attention I used to get when I was younger - even in my 30s. So I've had to do little things to get noticed. Actually it was an accident since I had started wearing tighter and lower cut tops to accentuate one of my best assets. With these tops I needed a bra without a noticeable seam through the front. The one I found happened to be quite sheer. After I bought it I didn't wear it for weeks. Then one day when I had let the laundry lapse I had no choice but to wear it. On the way home from work that night I stopped at a Papa Johns to pick up a pizza for our family dinner. While I was waiting a attractive man came in and I caught him glance at me. After that he walked up to me and started small talking. This lead to questions about what kind of work I do, if I live around here, and if I'm married. This made me feel alive as I hadn't been hit on in years. Later that night I asked my husband if he noticed anything unusual or different about me. He said no. While I laid in bed I realized that while I was talking to the man in the pizza place I had become aware that my nipples were stiffening and that it was apparent through my top. I realized then that this is what motivated him to talk to me. I've been exploiting it every chance I get ever since, and if I'm honest I really love the lusty looks I get from men.
I just wanted to share since I'm hoping that there are other women out there that don't want to hide the things that make us women.
As a guy. I can only guess how unwelcome such an obvious "Trigger" perky nipples must be.
Of course, We guys, being visualy stimulated enjoy the phenomenon.
I wonder how many guys have been plagued with unwonted, unwelcome unrulyness in our distinguishing area. I've been bothered by such rebelliousness my whole life. Especially mortifying when young, on the dance floor, or at the beach. There's no solution.
More than one girl friend thought I had an unusual pot-belly, for a guy who is otherwise ripped.
Anyway, I know it's off thje subject, but still. I wonder how moany other guys have had to deal with this.
Theo
Regarding the on-set temperature of the According to Jim show: Yeah, Jim Belushi kept the temperature low, according to an interview of Courtney on Ellen Degeneres' show. She didn't say why, but I have to think that it was because Jim and the actor playing the brother on the show are "large" men and the producers didn't want them sweating a lot. However, she and KWP started using "heat pads" to keep warm and the nipply effect seem to greatly diminish (Much to my great chagrin)
Lynnette wrote:
"Girls, are you with me here?
...Anyone???"
I commiserate with you on this awful "syndrome", although I think I'd like to coin the term "PNS" for Prominent Nipple Syndrome! Since I no longer suffer from PMS, I may as well substitute PNS for this life long malady (at least as long as I can remember). My boobs 'stand out' enough as it is!
These nipple concealers were mentioned on The View today as well. I'm heading over to check out the Sassy Nips and I'm hoping they don't show through on soft cupped brassieres. Has anyone tried them out yet?
Exactly dead on about Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Thorne-Smith. You have to wonder if they keep the set of Friends and According To Jim really cold? Because not only do Aniston and Thorne-Smith nip out all of the time, but so do their co-stars like courtney Cox and Kimberly Williams-Paisley.
There was one episode of According To Jim that had to do with Jim giving his brother-in-law Andy a grill, and in that episode CTS was nipping out like you can't believe! KWP was also nipping out in that episode.
Good news to all my nipply friends!!!
I saw Elisabeth Hasselbeck talking about these on The View the other day. (Yep, she uses 'em and couldn't stop raving about them!)
They're called Sassy Nips and they're made by SassyBax.
These amazing little inventions are half-dollar sized silicone nipple concealers -- and they stay put inside your bra!
I always carry a few band-aids in my purse for just such occasions. Works every time!